Muddy takes some time out of his busy schedule to help readers with their problems.
Dear Muddy,
I always give a lot to my relationships, my spouse, children, and friends. I am starting to resent this because I don’t feel I get much back. I hardly ever get what I really want. What should I do?
Unreciprocated in Unalaska
Dear Unreciprocated,
Knowing only about ten people, I don't have much experience with relationships, but I sure know a lot about getting what I want. I'll start off with a pitiful keening noise, and if that doesn't soon lead to my satisfaction, I'll bust out and cry like there's no tomorrow. Stop suffering alone - when you make others join in your suffering, that's when you can say "Jump!" and they'll ask, "how high?".
Muddy
Dear Muddy,
Whenever I'm in a situation where I talk to girls I get all sweaty, blushing and embarrassed. I can’t look them in the eye. I feel like I don't have control of the situation. I generally have this problem around all strangers but never as bad as when I'm trying to talk with girls.
Shy in Sheboygan
Dear Shy,
I used to be just as shy, but I realized that I wasn't getting anywhere in life laying in my bouncer with a thousand-yard stare. So, I spent a month practicing my greetings in my Baby Einstein mirror, and now I'm positively gregarious! Whenever I meet someone I like, I arch my back and thrust out my limbs, giving my best gape-mouthed smile, showing both teeth and letting slip a healthy stream of drool. I think your problem with the ladies might be that you're not drooling enough. Drool is the lubricant of social interaction, I always say. On the second date, if I'm feeling especially confident, I'll use my hand to take a little bit of drool from my mouth and brush it softly onto the lady's cheek. This little trick has never failed to earn me a squeal of affection.
Muddy
Dear Muddy,
I'm currently "going through my change," and am having trouble coping with the emotional turmoil. What do you recommend I do to get through this difficult time of my life relatively unscathed?
Hot (or not) in Montserrat
Dear Hot (or not),
I know, all too well, how you feel. I go through six to eight changes a day, myself. The key is to relax and wait until Mommy finishes. I understand that it can take awhile sometimes, especially if Mommy has to hold her nose and do it with only one hand. Here's a tip I've learned for endless entertainment anytime that you find yourself on your back: play with your feet - feet are so interesting! Ensconse yourself in the world of feet for that short bit of confused discomfort, and you'll feel refreshed and much cleaner before you know it.
Muddy
Dear Muddy,
The good news is that I recently got a great promotion at work. The bad news is that I just found out that the job requires me to deliver frequent presentations to large groups of potential clients. The idea of speaking to a large group terrifies me. Had I know about the requirement to speak, I might not have even tried for the job! My first major presentation is coming up in about a month and I am already a wreck. I know that it is common for people to have stage fright. Do you have any suggestions on how I can overcome it?
Frightened in Fargo
Dear Frightened,
This is a tough question, indeed, and I may not be the best person to answer it. At my recent baptism, my first and only shot at being the center of a large group's attention, I found myself unable to keep a stiff upper lip. It's a lot to handle, being up in front of all those people, held by a stranger, and then getting a bath, besides! My best recommendation for you is to have only your mother hold you during your presentations and - I cannot stress this enough - do not let Mr. Sucky out your mouth for even a second!
Muddy
Logan Alexander and parents said... Thanks for the great advice column. We all just had a good 4 minutes of laughter....we especially enjoyed the one about pleasing the ladies. Logan will take Muddy's advice and start smearing drool on the cheeks of the female population. It is already all over his hands anyway--he might as well put it to good use. Thanks!